Life is happening.

(Not sure why this didn’t post, I guess user error. This is from January.)

Oh my goodness. So I told my parents that I bought and am having a house built. Their reactions were just as I expected. My dad was and is super happy. My mom was a little annoyed and now is super happy with lots and lots of advice. 

I can’t believe that life is happening. I’ve always wanted and dreamed of this. And here it is. It’s not happening how I thought it would, but I don’t care. I’m happy. 

I’m happy. Excited. Terrified. Everything wrapped into one. 

There’s no turning back. Things need to be packed. Things need to be bought. Money needs to be saved. 

I’m living and loving life. 

Now I wonder how Jumper the cat will like living in a house compared to a one room apartment? Need luck with that. 

Home.

I’ve always wanted a home, a yard, a welcoming and comforting house that would be mine. 

My dream is coming true. It doesn’t feel real yet. I’m having a house built, on my terms. I can’t even begin to describe how it feels. The first time I walked through my home, I cried. 

This is my forever home. I’m so happy, so scared, nervous, and incredibly excited. 

The only thing that I have to do is to tell my parents. People think that they’ll be happy, they will but they will also find this to nag at. “You aren’t married. It’s too big. You can’t take care of a house and yard. It’s too expensive. Is Guy moving in? It’s not in the town that we live in.”

I don’t need to be married to buy a house. It’s not too big, it’s just right. I can learn how to care for a house and yard. It’s expensive but not too expensive. Guy knows that he won’t move in until we’re engaged or married. And he respects that, and he has been very supportive. And darn right, bills will be 50/50 if/when he moves in. I don’t need to live in the same town you live in, mom and dad. It’s only 20 minutes away. 

I’ll tell them soon but right now I feel as though I’m in a waking dream. I never believed I would be here. 

This home is everything that I wanted. It truly is my dream, forever home. 

I’m so thankful. 

One year later, no change.

Thanksgiving, last year, was not anything to write home about. It was the first year that it was just my parents, myself, my brother, and his two kids. 

I had to take the kids to another room, because my brother decided it would be a good time to complain what a “terrible” childhood he had. People would be so lucky to have such a “terrible” childhood. We weren’t well off, but not poor. We had what we needed, and sometimes what we wanted. It is nothing to complain about. 

My brother is selfish. Wanting more than he has, wanting it now rather than working for it or being patient. For a while, he had his head out of his ass, he was a man, a husband, a father. He cared and thought of others. 

The past few years, he has only cared about his next high. He’s detoxed, been to a couple AA, had therapy, almost died, and still believes he is okay. 

Last Thanksgiving was miserable, and I believed that this year would be better. I mean, he was sober for a few months. But then I get a text to call him. I knew right away it wasn’t going to be good. I could barely make out what he was saying, but he wanted me to take him and the kids to the mall. Nope. Not gonna happen, it’s thanksgiving and there are plans. 

I get to my parents with Guy, and I want to leave. My brother is lit up, and I’m livid. 

Thank God he goes to take a “nap”, aka pass out. The kids don’t have to see him, my parents can eat in peace with their broken hearts, and I don’t have to see him. 

So many changes should of happened this past year. It was like nothing has changed. I just want to cry. I miss him. I miss who he was. I can’t help him, he doesn’t want it. I can’t do it. It’s been going on for about 15-17 years. 

I’m going to be selfish. I’m going to care for my family, and myself. My health, my emotions come first. 

I love my brother, but where he is going, where he’s been is so far off his path that I can’t and don’t even know him. 

I wish peace for my family, smiles for my parents, and strength for all of us. 

Just for fun.

Current mood: 🙌🏻

Relationship status:💞

Kids? 🐱

How many pets: 🐱 🐶 (rip)

Favorite color: ❤️

Favorite snack: 🍫🍦🍕🍟🍭🍎🍉🍓🍈🍵🎂

Favorite season: 🌻🏊🏻

Hobbies:📺📱📗📝🛌🏖✈️🎟📷

Favorite holiday: ⛪️🎅🏻🎄

Feels like.

Some days it just feels like I can’t make a right decision. I don’t make dinner right, I don’t say the right thing and put my foot in my mouth, I don’t organize the closest right, I could go on. 

Sometimes I feel like even do my best, it’s no way appreciated. But that’s just me, overthinking and expecting too much. 

I wish my brain would slow down, so it wouldn’t feel like warp drive all the time. 

Our first getaway.

Guy and I had our first weekend getaway. It was wonderful!

No fighting, no telling, no crying, and no drama. (You can tell my past experiences were horrible) 

It was a weekend of happiness and laughs. Now this is what a real, and true relationship feels like. 

I woke to find Guy made this for me.  🙂

  
This was the best weekend away. 

So in love with Guy, my best friend. 

 

Looking around.

Last year at this time, my heart was breaking, my mind was a wreck, and I was generally confused. Here I am sitting on my couch, with a sleeping and happy kitty, and I am happy. I didn’t see this then, I never would have seen this. It’s so odd to me how life works, I can’t even describe it. I don’t think anyone can. 

Last year me and current me have so much to learn from each other. Even two months ago me has a lot to say, that me was in the hospital close to having a blood transfusion, I finally understand the need to live each day the best I can. It’s not for them, not for work, not for family, but I live my life for me. I make my decisions, and yes I will ask and take advice when needed but the final decision of whatever rests with me. 

Here I am, enjoying the present. Ready, as best as I can be, for what is ahead of me. Whether it’s a house, a townhouse, a nasty boss, a “talkative” cat, opinionated parents, grumpy yet well meaning boyfriend, and other life issues. I enjoy it how I can. 

I’m happy with my life. I’m so thankful for it. I don’t need to look far to realize how blessed I am. 

They are happening. 

  

Last week lesson.

This past week was horrible for me, I was sick (that’s putting it mildly) and I was in the hospital for five days. I caught an infection from some sick person. And it kicked my butt seven ways to the moon. I was terrified, I could have needed a blood transfusion, and there was a point where I just couldn’t do it and I was ready to go. 

All of that now has my mind thinking, wandering, and just babbling. 

What would have been if I met Guy sooner. We did go to rival high schools. Would we have been ready for each other? Did we need to grow and learn so many lessons in order to accept and respect each other. I know me as a person, and I know I would have stayed true and waited for him while he was deployed. Would that have made things easier for him? 

He told me that I’m the first woman to accept and love him for all that he is. The good, the annoying, the dark, the light. I remember when it would bother him that I understood him, and he would go “you don’t know me”. Sorry sweetie, I do. I see you. I know you. I love you for all of you. 

None of that matters, we’re together now. I’m so happy to be loved and cared for. 

Just like your life, or that person’s life, they’re are sad and ugly parts in mine. I’m not afraid of them. I’m not going to hide them. This is me. And someone loves me for me!

Tell your family, your friends, someone special that you love them. Anything can happen. Monday, I was feeling great, worked out for an hour. Tuesday, I was laying on the bathroom floor with a heart rate of 130 and getting in an ambulance. Axl peeking his head, and crying as I was taken away (says my dad). I didn’t know that would happen. 

We don’t know. So live. Live the best you can and be honest to yourself. 

I have to believe.

 I am enough. No time for doubt.